apostrophe t

Closed eyes and heart beats,
I can't do this.
The words appear
like neon lights
behind my eye lids,
and when I go to open my eyes,
the words are still luminous.
I can't do this, but someone told me I could.
So I sit, trying to
quantify
qualify
myself, and
I stare at my hands,
expecting the answer to
exude from my pores.
I move my hands upwards and allow
my face to fall into them,
welcoming and helpless
at the same time.
I'd give anything to discard
the apostrophe t.