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Monday, February 28, 2011

Heaviness

diplodocus
i am a diplodocus
i do things that dinosaurs do

i am a pretty chilled out bro

walk around
eat some foliage
it's all good

however
do not fuck with me
i will swoop you
with my tail

seriously though
the late jurassic period is tough for a sauropod,
existentially

i feel no meaning in life

we are the only dinosaurs
that are aware of our own existence

this is something that wikipedia does not tell you
this is something our fossils do not tell you

in our brains we know
that we are born to die
and we feel the heaviness
of being alive

we are vegetarians for moral reasons

we love one another
we feel things

when we die
our bodies will be devoured by a ceratosaurus

Sunday, February 27, 2011

feel bad

realising that my personality is like a vegetable and a german phrase that i always think of in everyday life

standing in front of the microwave
thinking about a VHS of To Kill a Mockingbird
that I watched in year eight
this microwave belonged to my housemate's family
it was their first

eggplant is my favourite vegetable
you need lots of oil to make it taste right

I took my family's first microwave
when I moved into my first flat
it took up a lot of bench space
it stopped working

if you don't cook eggplant enough it tastes like sponge
my music teacher used to call me a sponge
I thought this was nice because it meant
I knew scales and remembered
little things she told me about dynamics

but now it means that people tell me lots of stuff
and I absorb it
I don't know where other peoples stuff ends and mine starts
maybe that's too dramatic but it was that true for piano so das stimmt hier?

can never remember whether woollen has two ls

it is raining when I get off the train
but it's cool, I have my cardi
I wrap it around myself like a nonna
I have the urge to cry very hard
but I stop myself because
crying won't make anything matter any more
it won't

I left my umbrella at my friend's place
this is why I am a nonna tonight
my cardigan is woollen
it will start to smell
and this doesn't matter either

a sad or hopeful song comes on my ipod
this makes me want to cry more
but I don't because
my cardigan is dewy
tell myself remember to write down that
crying won't make you or me
more important

want to cry more because reminding myself
is sad
and also pointless

so are your reassurances

at home I put on more sad music
or is it hopeful too
I have not cried yet

First Thursdays

Hey, so here's a thing. I'm going to be selling some of my zines at First Thursdays on 3 March.

Here is the facebook event.

It will be at Le Gonda Arcade. To be honest, I don't even know where that is. But google earth tells me it's right next to Rasoi and the Vodafone store on K'Rd.

I'm selling about 7 zines. It goes from 6-9pm.

There is also other stuff happening, like this stuff:

"Iron Bank 150 K Road:
Window Box Opera 6-6:30pm
THE WAY OF ALAYA – prayer flag workshop 6-8pm
Live performances by Heart Attack Alley 8-9pm
The White Wall - Dance performance


Cross Street K Road:
Fashion Show
Live Painting by Askew One & Berst
Tiny Space & Flatmates Closet Art Show
Live Broadcast by KFM
(With Manatar Ouraborus & the Five elements of Synathesia and The Open Road Crew featuring Captain Lungbutter & Briggsy)


Le Gonda Arcade 203 K Road:
Live DJ sets
T-Shirt Sale at Common
Mini Zine Market by Auckland Zinefest
Rebel Yell Art Show – Cheap Art For Dirty People


St Kevins Arcade 179 K Road:
First Thursdays Market
Live Classical Music 6-8pm
Window Box Opera 8-9pm


Verona Café 169 K Road:
Cabaret Micromegas with Dirty Words-Spoken word with Live music
6-8pm


Te Karanga 208 K Road:
The Wrong Side - an Auckland Fringe Festival play
8-9pm"

I don't know. Come along.

Friday, February 25, 2011

an enormous boon

Susie and I were talking about poetry earlier, and she said that she didn't give a shit about all the "pretty" language in poetry because it just doesn't make her feel anything. I agreed, adding that I really like honesty, and a sort of rawness in the poetry I like to read.

Some people who are doing interesting things with poetry are Poncho Peligroso, Steve Roggenbuck, Spencer Madsen, Brett Gallagher, Matthew Savoca, Kerry G, Blake West, Ana C, Zachary German etc. This is a scene of young poets who all vaguely know of each other and who all write interesting poetry. Feel like this poetry revolution was started by Tao Lin or something. Also feel like most people on newwavevomit.com are very good.

Poetry has to change with the times, as everything else does. That's why it makes sense that these people I have mentioned are writing the way they are. They are doing it right. I mean, as much as we can appreciate the poetry of Shelley and Byron, how they wrote was largely a product of the time they lived in. So it is with how we write; we are misanthropic 20-somethings who use the internet a lot, and our poetry reflects this.

I was also thinking about what poetry is because of what Joseph wrote on his blog. Felt that I couldn't really articulate what I thought poetry was or how I could help him to better understand what poetry is. I think that you have to make your own definition of what poetry is. You have to mold poetry into whatever shape you feel most comfortable with. Your poetry is not about what other people think poetry is, your poetry is about you and how you feel in that moment. Of course to write like this, and if you want to publish your poetry, you have to be willing to share very private parts of yourself with strangers. I've never really had much of a problem with this, because it's just another way to connect with people, a way that I feel is difficult to achieve irl. In writing poetry there should be a compulsion, a feeling of coming home, an effortlessness. Poetry is comforting to me. Whenever something bad happens I start to write a poem in my head about it and it makes me feel better. You are taking all of the heartache and the pain and the awkwardness and making it into something else, something positive. Poetry is a good thing in my life, and it could be a good thing in your life too. Look into it maybe.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

M'day

I got woken up at 9am by my phone ringing. It was my potential employer on the phone, to tell me I have a job interview tomorrow morning. This really set the tone for the whole day. The job is at this bird sanctuary place, they take care of injured birds and such. I am happy happy happy and going to wow them with my enthusiasm for birds. I lay in bed for another 2 hours reading my book. My book is a Cat Power biography called Good Woman. It is really interesting. I stayed at my friend's house in the city the previous night. I turned on their TV to check the news and ended up watching for half an hour or so. It made me cry. It makes me so sad. I'm glad I don't have a TV at home because I'd be crying 24/7. For breakfast, I went to a cafe and got a bagel with cream cheese and a soy mocha. I read my book some more. Then I went to the video store and spent about half an hour in there only to come out with 3 dvds. I got Land Before Time: The Great Valley Adventure, the 2010 Global Atheist Convention dvd and Cosmos from the sky: Solar System. I want allllllll da science in da worldz. Then I walked to uni and photocopied some of my zines. I spent a while stapling them together and then I went to my friend's house and did the washing, dishes and took out the recycling. I just felt like it. I read my book until I had to go to work. At work there were cats, many cats in fact. I like my job very much. Mainly because there are cats and it's real chill. I bussed back into the city and walked around. I tend to get off the bus far away from where I need to be because I like to walk around and see stuff. I just like it. It makes me feel this really specific feeling that I like to feel. Then I caught the bus home where I am writing this now. Actually now I feel pretty bummed. The internet has that effect on me. I think I will go watch AC Grayling talk about some science sheeit. Good night everybody.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

zines vs romance

Last year I made two zines. They were called four crushes #1 and four crushes #2.




In making these I did not hope to feel 'closure' about the often unfinished nature of the crushes that I had, rather I was hoping that physically making something would feel like an achievement that I could be proud of. I wanted them to be as good as the zines that I read. I wanted to actually like something that I made. To an extent, I do like them. It was rewarding to learn, after stocking them at Sticky (zine distro in Melbourne) that people were actually purchasing them, these small artefacts of my life, things stuck together with glue or doublesided sticky tape, things that were essentially scribbles or sketches, small thoughts, inane musings, wishes etc.

A year on, I am thinking about my relationship to crushes. Relationship is an appropriate word in this case: I would probably say that I rely on crushes to fulfill my romantic quota, never having been in a long term relationship before. Mostly I think I am fine with this fact, because it gives me license to look down upon people who go from one long term relationship to another (weak). Of course this 'means' that I am jealous and crave one of my own, but anybody who knows me will know that I am probably the most easily jealous person around(/scorpio), so this is no big news. Honestly though, I can't say whether I would be cut out for 'being with someone'. I recently read this article on Thought Catalog by Brandon Scott Gorrell recounting his relationship with his girlfriend. One of his anxieties (can't actually remember the context in which the following comes up, could have been an excitement) about being in a relationship was that you were responsible for another person's happiness. This idea is pretty full on. A lot of the people I know in relationships are not happy with themselves. I guess it is easier to make somebody else happy than yourself. Is it? Basically this concept kinda freaked me out and I felt good about not having a relationship at the moment/ever.

Detour: What does this concept mean for friendship? a particular friend of mine says "I'd do anything for you" (my mum says "why aren't you with him?" I say "oh mum, oh no") which is really unselfish and fantastic, but I barely know how to respond to that, can I honestly say I would do the same? I want to, is that enough of being sure that I would? For me, this is almost the same as being responsible for another person's happiness. Another friend of mine said that having a long term boyfriend is just like having a really good friend. I am fond of this idea. Generally, we want everybody - everybody being friends, family, possibly coworkers, pets, idk - in our lives to be happy. Having said that, I feel there is a place where you stop for people who are just your friends. The line that you draw for them is the line that you cross for your significant other. If you have best friends they can be the exception to this, but not always. I guess it depends on the person. But your other is significant for a reason, amirite?

It feels like I'm supposed to shy away from theorising about relationships because I a) have no first hand experience with them, b) am young and c) make sweeping generalisations at the best of times. I could combat that with the idea that I personally am a sponge and all the relationship ins and outs I've heard have become 'a part' of me, but I think that's probably a bit of a stretch. See c).

I think girls battle crushes on a daily basis. Probably guys too? Please confirm/deny.

Anyway I realised a month or so ago that having crushes is weak. It's easy to develop a romance from afar, to have an inactive relationship. Crushes are a good way to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone. You don't get rejected by crushes, having already decided that it is unrequited. Despite 'knowing' that there's nothing between you, without any interference from the subject of your crush, you are at perfect liberty to pretend that there could be something there. You haven't heard either way.

Perhaps I made the zines because I felt like something of an authority about crushes. At the inception of the first zine I believe I wrote "I have four crushes at the moment", and I figured four crushes was a coming together of words befitting a band name or a blog title or an album name or something goddamnit, I would not let them go to waste. So began the zine. I think I wanted to hold onto this particularly sweet as infatuation I had while on holiday in the UK and was reading Brother of the More Famous Jack which made me long for some sort of midlife retrospective about love affairs. All I had were those four crushes. Not novel worthy, but totally zine appropriate.

I made the zine and sold it, which felt good. In about May I got pretty 'infatuated' (hilarious typo 'unfatuated') with some friend of a friend. Despite feeling really optimistic about what little interaction we had, it seemed that either I couldn't convince him to meet up with me or he didn't want to see me again at all, ever, nothing eventuated. I felt bummed. Ergo four crushes #2. This zine was less optimistic/philosophical than the first, due to being quite jaundiced about my recent failure. I found it difficult to come up with 'authentic' crushes and found myself internally giving them ratings, effectively adding up to a total of four. I also figured that it would be a nice way to move on from that failure and to an extent, trivialise the matter, make myself feel like it was less of a big deal if it was nestled in amongst other stupid crushes.

As mentioned earlier, I only recently realised how easy it is to return to crushes. Not only in terms of 'finding real love' or 'fear of rejection', but in terms of your whole life. In the midst of a crush, when there are various items in my life that I should be focusing on, for example maybe finding a job, will I sit down and write cover letters well in advance or will I track my crush's latest movements online? Oh yeah. Totally weak. I guess I could blame the internet (well, Facebook) about how easy it is to do this nowdays, but maybe I could get a life. It's just that getting a life seems pointless when I already have an internet connection (and man is it hard to get one of those. effort expenditure=over).

I don't know whether I've been writing this giant post to try and convince you that having crushes is bad or anything. But they say a watched pot never boils (this idiom is okay because the Arcade Fire use it) ie if you're putting out mega crush vibes then you gonna get crushed gurl!!11!1!one!1! Well you know, if you are too aware of wanting 'love' then it will never come. (but do we expect love to come from crushes? woah) Side note: why is it that there are equally wise sayings that contradict each other? Like, a rolling stone gathers no moss, but also slow and steady wins the race? Can't think of the opposite for the pot. But I'm sure it's something like you've gotta be in it to win it. Why are these sports related? I want my eggs and I want them all in my basket and I want them now.

I think I'll try to stay crush free for a while, not only because now I'll feel obligated to due to my 'readers' knowing, but also I guess I'm starting uni next week and I should concentrate on that. (I  should clarify that having a crush doesn't actually take up as much time as university. But if the infatuation finds itself nearing reality, then you've got a problem my friend). I just lost myself in all those idioms and parentheses. Send help.

Maybe this ties in with this week's topic in that crushes aren't heavy. I guess another reason for me to stop having crushes is that I get really upset when nothing ever comes from them, even the most quixotic, and when I don't even try to transport them from crush realm to real life, which is most of the time because I have terribly low self esteem. Soo what I'm saying is that I should hold off on the crushes, wait for some of the good stuff? Fuck, or I'll just go to class or something. Maybe start a healthy coke habit.

If you want a zine maybe leave a comment and I'll hook you up.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

heavy love

home is where ever my mac book is

feel like being emoshunal is my livelihood

lets go get burger king

i just got tofu and soy milk from the supermarket (i don't even know who i am anymore)

there are 5 daddy long legs spiders in my bathroom die motherfuckers

i want to listen to transcription of organ music forever and never go to sleep

i suddenly yell I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE and you look at me weird

sometimes when i walk down the street i close my eyes for as long as i can as an exercise in fearlessness

i cry so much just thinking of the people down there


CHCH man, it's so upsetting. Hope you are all okay.

things I have done lately

-went to NZ to visit Stacey
-went to CALH with Stacey and Zoe
-met David and Eamonn, cool bros
-stayed a night in Wellington, went to Te Papa. Sweet as museum
-came back to Melbourne, went on 'spontaneous' bike ride at 2am
-drove to Horsham (3.5 hrs) with my friend's brother who likes house music/is a dj
-made macarons for the same friend's 21st birthday party
-drove to Adelaide (5 hrs), macarons fell onto ground and became pink mush
-found myself in the middle of an argument about smoking speed at the 21st party. realised that there are lots of different people in the world. felt bleak.
-got the train to the city to meet up with an old friend, had iced coffee in Rundle street. bought some falafels. wrote things like
sounds like maeve o'mara does the train announcements in this city
does everybody here drink farmers union iced coffees? (answer is yes)
I miss the indies
next stop 'Dry Creek' feel this sums up the trip/my psyche accurately
3 emos w/scooters
all my friends talk fast
feel more 'myself' after being alone
nice train man digs that I'm a Melb noob
will return to Victoria with cautionary tales
looking at boats, maybe I will go on a river cruise
it's so nice the way that water sparkles
things of abundance in SA: bleak ass parenting, iced coffee, rats tail hairdos
-
return to Victoria. feel hurried on the internet. live tweet Mighty Boosh with Stacey
-make a hair appointment. leave photos to be developed.
-want to go swimming/write a crappy blog post of lists
-watch the news about Chch. hope.

Monday, February 21, 2011

TOOM


I saw Transcription of Organ Music (name taken from a title of an Allen Ginsberg poem) at CALH and I liked them/him a lot. It gave me 'that feeling'.




If you like it you should buy the album on their bandcamp. Or just download it for free. But the guy seemed pretty chill so you should buy it for some amount. I bought it for $5.00, felt pretty good about it because that's $6 something NZ dollarz.

It might make your life seem less bleak, or at least provide a nice soundtrack to go with that bleakness.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

i am the ocean and the ocean is me

For posterity, here is a less weird, more sensible, standing-by-the-river-esque picture of the team here at People Are Just People.

Also we are reintroducing topics back into the blog. This week's topic is Heaviness.


































Photo credit: Zo bro

Friday, February 18, 2011

warm

at night i put my dog out to pee
i stand looking at how the moon makes the clouds look
i think about how full i have been
but now kind of empty
it's a simple metaphor
like water being drained from any sort of apparatus
but you actually feel that
inside of yourself

i don't know life is weird
like what is the deal with stuff

the night is cold but i feel nice
i'm only wearing a t-shirt
and jeans

my dog is standing still looking at the sky
she is listening for something
so am i

my cat nudges my foot
hey buddy

Thursday, February 17, 2011

CALH 2011: Playlist

I spent several hours today downloading these songs that I found on the internet for free (although I did pay for the TOOM album on their bandcamp because I dug them the most). When I was uploading these I realised that I had forgotten to go to work. It bothered me because usually I'm so reliable and "onto it". I think being reliable is a really nice trait for people to have. Anyway, I showed up 2 hours late and the vet nurses seemed pretty chill about it. I have to go to WINZ tomorrow and it seems pretty bleak. I just want some cizzash aye. Camp was good by the by, but I feel like I've already talked about it too much plus we made a zine about it. More details about that later, and there will be photos when I can afford to process film. Anyway, here are these songs.

1. Nervous - Pikachunes
2. Less Chat More Sewing - Street Chant
3. I Am The Ocean - Transcription Of Organ Music
4. The Beautiful Young Crew - Lawrence Arabia
5. Landlords - Sharpie Crows
6. Te Atatu Ships (Live at Wine Cellar) - Hold Dear
7. My Mind Is In My Paws - Wilberforces
8. Bees - Caribou
9. Clandestine - Dear Times Waste
10. Low Shoulder - Toro Y Moi
11. Wicker Park - Secret Knives
12. When I'm King - Beastwars
13. You Came To Me Like a Cancer Lain - My Disco
14. Dancer - Tiger Choir
15. Remembered Light - The Parking Lot Experiments
16. Snoozefest - Coasting
17. Running Like A Man - Wet Wings

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

snide university ways


Ms Teague and I regret to inform you of an impending week-long absence from the blogosophere due to an important physical, emotional and spiritual journey through the heartlands of New Zealand (Neu Zealand auf deutsch). If you are going to be at Campus a Low Hum, please locate us and say hello. If you are not, we shall see you afterwards with tales, so many tales!

Friday, February 4, 2011

vacation

i would quite like a vacation from myself
and i can't think of any way to do that
that doesn't involve watching gilmore girls

get the hell out of here

i am going to hawaii
to get away from
my vices
my disposition
my motion sickness

i will just be an amorphous stace blob
i will just be real chill
blob around

when i come home i will greet
myself with open arms

and every amazing and horrible part of myself
will fold inwards

they will fall into me

me

Thursday, February 3, 2011

let's talk about getting rhinoplasty

sometimes things seem like a really big deal
then suddenly they don't
like losing favourite earrings
or not being able to fit anything else onto your usb

sometimes I think I should show more cleavage
or try to dress differently
or some shit
instead I will just try to smile more

everything is rushing towards the water
bark falling from trees etc
what if a branch falls on me
so what, I feel as meaningful as bark
nah really I do
if I think about that enough it really upsets me
but mostly I just feel tired

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I am the last of a lost civilization

feel like i am waiting for something indeterminate

i go onto facebook late at night and comment on lots of shit

on a blank word document i write 'goals for the future' in arial size twelve font

this morning i lay in bed thinking about things and out loud i say 'fuck'

why do i always cry when i watch animal planet

my sister has bio dome on dvd

feeling shit about things and then writing poems about it and feeling substantially better

i wonder if i am the kind of person who would enjoy doing a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle

on the back of the bathroom door it says 'yo dawg'

saying 'shit' and 'fuck' a lot apparently but trying not to BECAUSE I'M A LADY

the last 10 things I downloaded

every night when I am trying to sleep I attempt to think of blog posts consisting of lists. Generally I think of some really great title - last night's even had a subheading - and promptly fall asleep. This post is in honour of all the nights I have fallen asleep to listmaking.

1. Mermaids
I adore Winona Ryder and for some reason Cher's hair in this film. This is my current facebook display picture.


I decided I needed to download this cause I've only seen it once about 5 years ago when I was going through a 'must watch everything Winona is in' phase.


2. 30 Rock season 5 episode 12
This episode was a delight. I enjoyed that Jack Donaghy actually gave Tracy's wife a reality tv show (almost as much as I enjoyed how easily Liz decided she would watch it, I love how she is a slave to anything trashy), and this part where Liz and Tracy want to argue but they can't do it on camera because Tracy has to uphold a serious facade for the Oscars so instead they sing insults to the tune of Uptown Girl, which for some reason they wouldn't be able to broadcast. I realised during this episode that there's a pretty full on score - by this I mean there's sometimes more than transitional music, mostly clarinet based. This made me happy for some reason.

3. Gossip Girl season 4 episode 12
People think I am silly for watching Gossip Girl (which I will hereby abbreviate to Gossy) and fair enough. It's a pretty ridiculous show. The same old shit happens in each season, Dan and Serena give each other ultimatums, Blair and Chuck plot against different things and try not to admit they love each other, Nate finds some bimbo extraneous to the group who he dates for a while, tries to save his family, gives up and dates Serena maybe. Oh and Lily and Rufus probably squabble a bit about Lily being untruthful trying to 'protect' the family, Rufus feels alienated but also like he's the only virtuous one left. Eric is gay, Jenny is absent. So why do I watch? Probably because no other show can give me a sense of security and reliability yet still take me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Yes I just typed that. I gasp a lot when I watch this show, even though, like in the Tourist, we all know that Johnny Depp is going to turn out to be that Alex guy - we all knew the evil ex friend of Bart Bass was going to buy Bass Industries and move to New York. Shit's gettin' real. (this is a phrase I say out loud about 5 times during each episode)

4. 200 Cigarettes
I can't remember exactly why I downloaded this movie. I think it might be because I am attempting to watch a lot of movies about disinterested 90s youth. Probably in an attempt to find meaning in my own life or at least connect with some of the themes of detachment the film may deal with.

5. Greenberg
I downloaded a version of this in early December and it didn't have the ending. I have all these weird rules for myself and one of them is about watching movies 'too soon'. So I couldn't rewatch the whole thing even though since watching it the first time I have read a lot about Greta Gerwig and mumblecore and I decided I really liked all of that stuff. Weird. The ending didn't really carry that much weight and I felt like I was just doing it out of obligation. The first time I watched it I liked some parts of it enough to pause, rewind and write quotes down. In hindsight, I don't really understand why we do that.

6. New York I Love You
I have not watched this yet. I downloaded probably because of Ethan Hawke and to a lesser extent Orlando Bloom. When I was 14 I used to talk about Orlando Bloom on forums where everybody would call him Orly.

7. Causers of This
If you read my last post you will know that I am obsessed with the Toro y Moi song Blessa. I hence decided to download the album. Immediately after downloading it, I listened to the album about 3 times in a row and decided that Blessa was the best song and also terribly positioned at the start. Stacey and I are going to see him play at Campus a Low Hum next week.

8. Family Guy season 9 episode 10
This episode is called something like 'It's Joyce Kinney'. I remember thinking that unlike all the other episodes in season 9, this one looked like it was not HD. Perhaps I got a dud download. I don't really remember what happens exactly, I think I was tired when I watched it. Basically Lois was a bitch to some girl in high school and it turns out to be Joyce Kinney who blackmails her. Oh yeah, Lois did a porno. Is anybody surprised? The episode resolves itself by Lois showing everyone the tape in church. Quahog seems nice.

9. 30 rock season 5 episode 11
This was a pretty awesome episode that involved Jack and Liz realising how close they actually are. It seems that they accidentally got married when Jack and Avery eloped and they had to go through mandatory marriage evaluation, which brought out all these amusing points about how much they are like a married couple.

10. Manhattan
I watched this movie in instalments. I am the kind of person who decides that she needs to fall asleep watching things but then gets tired and doesn't remember stuff. So I was watching about 30-40 minutes of this for 3 nights in a row. I recommend that as a tactic. I didn't really like the narrative of this film as much as I have liked, say, Annie Hall, despite Diane Keaton's consistent fabulousness. I didn't understand why Woody Allen returned to the 17 year old girl - wait, she's 18 by then - at the end. I didn't really sense that he loved her at all and felt kinda unsure about whether their relationship was a good idea. I admired how certain she was that if they loved each other six months was nothing. I felt like she was very wise, but didn't necessarily trust that as being authentic behaviour for that age. OH YEAH! And Meryl looked stunning. Just stunning.