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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Cute



Received the most ideal kind of mail today. Think I say "stuff" and "things" too much. Real articulate. Gonna go watch the episode of Doctor Who I just downloaded illegally via torrent (hehe (feel like 'hehe' is my new thing, makes me feel cheeky)).

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

how do you feel about poetry online vs poetry offline, screen vs page?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I just want to do a quick post here to say why I haven't posted here in a while. Things that have been happening to me etc.

- busy studying/reading/writing essays for uni
- make a decision to not eat bread/pasta/cake for a while, despite my favourite aspect of Easter being hot cross buns
- my friend Steven came to visit from Canberra (Australia's oft-forgotten capital city)
- my sister came to visit from Horsham (my hometown)
- had a party on Easter Saturday, still catching up on sleep
- feel overwhelming sense of loneliness
- generally drained of any creativity/happiness/inspiration
- feel certain emoshuns quite deeply, but feel too pathetic to explain via writing
- attempt to ingest inspiration via tv shows like SNL, Gilmore Girls, Misfits & Archer
- experience most intense financial stress of the past three years (cannot afford train ticket all the way home to Horsham, have to get friends to pick me up halfway)
- have difficulty letting go of 'things'
- convince myself I just need to leave the city, that things will 'be better' after I achieve this
- now have access to chocolate, piano and kitty
- consider that deterioration of happiness might be relative to lack of bread

Sunday, April 24, 2011

53

i want to kiss a million different things

one of these things is a mouth
one of these things is a neck
one of these things is the palm of a hand

another of these things is my baby niece
her cheeks are like powder
and cream and cardigans
and all the delicious, soft things
in the world

sometimes i think of kisses
i remember all the different lips
how they felt on my lips
under and over and in between

sometimes i will kiss the air
and hope that something
will materialize close to my face

i think of
future lips

yours

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

times i can remember crying lately (ish)

when rory graduates high school (watching gilmore girls)

specifically during rory's valedictorian speech where she talks about her mum and grandparents. everyone is crying and usually this makes me cry too. told eamonn on facebook chat that it was a weird combination to be crying and eating an enchilada at the same time.

on the bus

i believe i wrote a "statement poem" about this particular time i cried on the bus and it went something like "this morning i openly wept on the bus". i was going past grey lynn shops on my way to uni. felt like shit was really bleak. seemed poignant as a motherfucker.

when my nana died

my dad called me and told me that my nana had died and so i got in the car and drove to my nana's house. i remember a distinct clenching feeling. when i went into the house i saw my mum and everything poured out of me. i hugged my mum and cried very hard. i also cried at the funeral, a few times during the service when they sang maori songs (they seem the saddest) and then at the end when we had to put flowers on her casket. my sister had her arm around me. i remember tissues deep in pockets.

chch earthquake

i biked to my parents house and my dad told me there was an earthquake in christchurch. i sat in the kitchen watching the footage with my sister and my dad. i had to leave the room several times because i felt embarrassed to cry in front of my family. i felt so connected to it because i just thought "these people are my people". maybe it's silly. but i cried.

ponsonby road

a person made me cry after saying words to me. i cried in the middle of ponsonby road and he hugged me because he probably felt like a huge asshole, which he was. afterwards he bought me burger fuel. i still thought he was a dick though, only i thought this whilst eating spud fries.

52

did an "almost" cry whilst sitting on k'rd waiting for my bus. wanted to talk to someone about it but i didn't, i just wrote eight pages in my notebook. i got home and i cried whilst listening to "the scientist" by coldplay. must have been chris martin's voice cracking with emotion that got me going. this is one of those times that i am sad that i can never quite explain it. i can never quite verbalise exactly what has come loose inside of me. i just know that something has.

gilmore girls again

the episode where rory rejects jess. jess looks supa fly in his leather jacket. i got extremely emotional when luke and jess hugged. fuckin' bros. then rory says she doesn't want to be with jess and there's this really good close-up shot of him, and i really feel like that's exactly how a normal person would take that kind of rejection. just real good acting performance from ol' milo. shit man. tears streaming down my face.


interested to know when you last cried and why (shit. reader participation)

Monday, April 18, 2011

HLM submissions

Hey buddies,

There are 12 more days to submit something to our poetry anthology, Hands Like Mirrors. We still need more submissions so if you could submit something soon we would appreciate it hard out (bro).

Email us at hlmpoetry@gmail.com

Similarly, I also need people to submit some dinosaur arts.

Email me at staceteague@gmail.com

Here is some inspiration:

maternity

me and my friend Jacki were making dinner together last Saturday and I recorded a part of it. you might want to watch the video to get a sense of the majesty of dolphin birth

on breastfeeding dolphins by susiea

Thursday, April 14, 2011

52

i am a person who is crying in a public place
i am a person who is wishing i were dead
i am a person who has my big headphones on to try and create a world where there is no one else but me and nice sounds
i am a person who has my shopping list written on my hand and there is only one word and it is 'cheese'
i am a person who is either more or less, you decide
i am a person who has a basic knowledge of mathematics
i am a person who is writing like a maniac on the bus to help distract me from some vague feeling
i am a person, now validate me
i am a person who is listening to camera obscura
i am a person who feels weird about the concept of taro
i am a person who is freaking out other people on the bus with my fast writing skillz
i am a person who writes like motherfucking lightning
i am a person, okay, just checking
i am a person who doesn't feel alone most of the time but right now is not one of those times
i am a person who writes "i am a person" and expects myself to know what to write after that
i am a person who is going past your house right now
i am a person, literally i am
i am a person who likes not wearing a bra but feels weird not wearing one in public
i am a person who hopes that the person sitting behind me on the bus is not reading this - cough twice if you are reading this
i am a person who wants to rip out these pages and shove them out the window of the bus, but
i am a person who does not litter
i am a person who is thinking "Fast and the Furious 5??"
i am a person who wants to watch the LOTR trilogy in my pajamas
i am a person who wants anything else
i am a person who is getting off the bus now

Monday, April 11, 2011

memory

i just bookmarked a recipe for lemon slice from the women's weekly website

i am listening to "alternative hip hop"

i had an idea for a poem but i don't remember it anymore so here's this

whilst reading about inflation theory i feel extremely and constantly baffled about my own existence

just want to get Crash Bandicoot so I can play Hog Wild

thought "i like the world" and immediately after thinking this, swerved to avoid hitting a parked car

why am i following tom felton on twitter

accidentally opened facebook twice in my browser and said out loud "double facebook" in a goofy accent

i just thought "nice jean jacket bro" and then thought about jean jackets for a while

just felt an overwhelming urge to call everyone in close proximity a dick

one of the birds at my work makes noises that sound like "whoooop there it is"

today i made fun of sam's glasses and he said "at least i don't have orthodox jew hair", what

whilst talking about wisdom teeth i think that my life doesn't feel like my own life

Sunday, April 10, 2011

a letter i wrote to you

Tonight I am eating dinner at Lentil as Anything. Fraser constantly asks me how many times a week I eat here. It's usually not that often. But today I decided I need to prove a point to myself - point being I can eat alone. I actually used to do this in first year, like get coffee and generally be publicly alone and not care. After three years of this, however, it tends to lose its appeal.
Sometimes I wish I could be totally invisible. Today this is because I absolutely despise myself. It's weird when you realise this. There are a few contributing factors. I dunno. They barely seem significant to explain. May be steeped in too much self pity to enlighten you.
I have been thinking lately that I am doing the wrong thing with my life. I keep seeing decent media jobs - radio, online, arts things - and I'm kicking myself for continuing at uni. And also because I have been playing a lot of music lately I am feeling fairly 'something'. Like what if I did music at uni? Probably wouldn't have gotten in, ever, though. Me and Zoe play well together. I was playing drums yesterday and I fucking love it! Think I could really get into that.
They are playing Beach House at Lentils tonight. This is one of my favourite bands. I saw them earlier this year and it was such a good gig. Do you think it's like fate or whatever that they are playing? I don't really believe in that shit but, for example, when semi-serendipitous stuff like Beach House happens OR when I walk back from my local IGA I see this bit of graffiti and it says VIGIL it bestows me with some not 'confidence' but something in that family - that stuff is the good shit.
People are so noisy, right. I should be so happy or content or at least occupied, right? A new thing I like downloading is Saturday Night Live episodes. A lot of famous people and good comedians. Did you know that Julia Louise-Dreyfus was on SNL? News to me.
The other day I was out for a walk and I passed this guy. As I approach fellow walkers I look away and try not to look at them but at the last moment look into their eyes. Anyway this guy looked at me when I looked at him and he gave me a big old smile. Just a quality grin, you know? I find you don't get that much in the city.
Do you feel like you have a best friend? Two girls with their faces painted just walked in. They have glowsticks and look like hippies. I sometimes wish I was a vegan because I really like the idea, it reminds me of simpler times or I imagine back when humans were animals too. I wish one of the people here would sit down with me and be my best friend, the best friend I've always wanted or needed, didn't know exactly what they were like but complemented me and I never got jealous of them for being good at being my friend or good at their life. It occurs to me that maybe I like to keep my friends at a distance so I like them more. But that sounds insane doesn't it, I'm sure it's completely untrue.
I feel drunk or dizzy maybe. I feel that writing a letter while being at dinner alone is just like being on your phone when you don't want to look like you're alone. I want to stay out a bit longer because my housemate asked me if I was going on a date when I said I was going out for dinner and I said no, no, ha ha, that would be historical, you would hear about it. My solution for weird bouts of sadness like this is usually throwing myself into uni work but probably I can go on a bike ride as well that may help.
OK, going now.

People are just Podcasts (2)















Poetry Podcast 2: Fuck the patriarchy by staceteague

Featuring poetry from Kerry Giangrande, Cassandra Troyan, Kendra Grant Malone, Megan Boyle, Zarah Butcher McGunnigle, Brittany Wallace, Fleur Adcock, Daphne Auza, Madison Langston, Neon Glittery, Cassandra Nguyen, Amber Beilharz, Elizabeth Bishop, Vomiting plus our own poems.

Fucked up the end somehow. Sorry that I sang. Why did I sing. Also we apologize for general Sunday night malaise.

Anyway, please enjoy our voices accompanied by poetry and silliness.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

we r funny

Me and Susie simultaneously listen to Coldplay songs sometimes, for the lolvalue.

Tonight it was Talk. Another quality jam.


Susie 7:58 PM
idk i am so ready to hear it now
i don't even care

Stace 7:58 PM
ok let's just play it
go
sweet guitar
"haunting"

Susie 7:58 PM
so true, so spacey
have u seen the video?
it's legit

Stace 7:59 PM
yeah i think i have
sounds so good on my headphones
chris martin you devil you

Susie 7:59 PM
sounds so good to my... life

Stace 7:59 PM
hehe

Susie 7:59 PM
IM SO SCARED ABOUT THE FUTURE
AND I WANNA TALK 2 U

Stace 7:59 PM
i'm so scared about the future and i want to talk to you

Susie 7:59 PM
omg we are the same person

Stace 7:59 PM
hehe

Susie 7:59 PM
hahaha

Susie 8:00 PM
do u feel like a puzzle?
TELL ME HOW YOU FEEEEEEEL

Stace 8:01 PM
the motherfucking BUILD UP
just some quality music
to be honest

Susie 8:01 PM
yeah, just some old fashioned music
legit

Stace 8:02 PM
shit, what's happening

Susie 8:02 PM
calm down

Stace 8:02 PM
BREAKIN IT DOWN

Susie 8:02 PM
break down 2 build up
u gotta break down
2 build up

Stace 8:02 PM
hehe
sweet

Susie 8:02 PM
fucking get ready 2 max out

Stace 8:02 PM
look out
comin at ya

Susie 8:02 PM
like a coldplay ray
u don't know where ur going but u wanna talk
NOTHING IS MAKING ANY SENSE AT ALL

Stace 8:03 PM
climb a ladder up to the sun hahaha fuck

Susie 8:03 PM
fuckin legit lyrics

Stace 8:03 PM
lyrical mastermind

Susie 8:03 PM
quality lyrics
that was sweet

Stace 8:03 PM
best 5:11 ever

Susie 8:03 PM
oh yes

Stace 8:03 PM
let's do it again sometime

Susie 8:03 PM
oh yes
ohhh yes

Stace 8:04 PM
babe
baby

Susie 8:04 PM
bby

Stace 8:04 PM
suga

Susie 8:04 PM
suga suga how u get so fly

Related media:

http://vehementoolbox.blogspot.com/2010/12/c-play.html

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

working with animals

Three weeks ago I got a job at a Bird Rescue centre. I like it a lot. My job title is Avian Rehabilitation Assistant, and I think it's pretty sweet. Other job titles I've had are 'Data Administrator', 'Volunteer Cattery Assistant', 'Volunteer Dog Walker', 'Administrator' and currently 'Cattery Assistant'. I have these two jobs and I work 6 days a week. As tiring as it is, it is really rewarding as an occupation.

I've had the job at the cattery for about a year now, and I have cut down to two shifts a week. It is probably the best job I've ever had and will ever have. The kind of job you actually look forward to going to. Amazing right. That never happens. Basically I work at a vet, and out the back is some rooms where cats can stay when their owner's are going away or something. We have a lot of the same cats in so they feel like my cat friends. Yes, I have cat friends. This job is 80% cleaning and 20% cat lovin'.

My job at the bird rescue is much the same, only more "hard out". I work there 30 hours a week. It's very hands-on. I come home every day covered in mud and "miscellaneous". I like it though. When I got this job I felt fairly indifferent towards birds. They can be pretty hard to deal with (sharp beaks + claws, and the fact that THEY CAN FLY), but I have grown accustomed to those lil guys. These are some things I do at my job:

Cleaning out cages, feeding, batheing birds, washing and drying dishes, giving medicine to birds, getting bitten by birds, patting my bosses 18 yo cat, drinking coffee, going crazy for my bosses' 4 dogs, dealing with an insane amount of bird crap, hosing out the outside pens, using the hose in general, wearing gumboots sometimes, being afraid of geese, dealing with the public who come in with sick birds, answering the phone, pretending i know stuff about birds, making small talk with colleagues (mainly bird-related), washing my hands a lot, getting bird shit on me and not making a big deal about it, handling various birds, perpetually smelling like fish, playing with the cute as penguins, sometimes finding dead birds and having to stick them in the freezer, going into the hawk pen and saying 'MIGHTY HAWK" and giggling, singing to myself when no one else is around and some other stuff maybe.

I really like working with animals. It feels like I am genuinely contributing something positive to society, as opposed to say, being a receptionist or something. I feel like a lot of jobs are morally vacuous, so it's rare to be able to get a job where you feel like you are doing something good. It's the kind of job where you come home at the end of the day and feel accomplished. I need that in my life. It is also really hard work, and quite physical as well, you are always moving and there is always something to do. I like that. I feel like working with animals would be an okay career, and it is something that I love doing.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Brachiosaurus: Imagery

i am holding my own hand in bed

yesterday i deleted ~2200 txts from my phone

the thing that made me happiest last week was a construction worker at victoria park singing with the radio, echoing in the stands

my eyes feel heavy and my head feels light

i am genuinely addicted to yarn related crafts

felt really bummed after rude man called me a bitch for being slightly in turning lane whilst riding home

think i'll stay in tonight and count the dots at the edge of my vision

i wish i could be in a place where there is nobody who will look at me but simultaneously i will feel fulfilled, more confident and not alone

confused shaun gannon's richard dunn anecdote at cool dogs with something that happened to me directly/irl

let schindler's list get the better of me

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Brachiosaurus

I recorded this because I read it to my flat mate and her friend this morning and they seemed to like it. Foliage is a word weird right?

Brachiosaurus by staceteague

Also, you can read it here, if you dislike my kiwi accent.