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Saturday, October 6, 2012

4/10/12

it's a cliche to want what you can't have which is why that's annoying. also annoying that i find apathy so attractive. the most important thing about you is skin, then disposition

i like walking around south london by myself and feeling awkward on the tube. i have no idea why but it makes me feel good. i'm afraid if anyone even slightly dislikes me, but at the same time i don't feel eager to please. afraid of feeling alone not being alone. afraid i will spent my life looking for a certain kind of love and never finding it. where are you

seems like i have achieved a new level of apathy, feel v pleased with this, paradoxically. the other day my boss said i had a 'quiet assuredness'. i mean sure i guess so

don't feel attractive when my hair is tied up at all. dislike how dry my hands get. never grow my fingernails long. always wear a watch

keep wondering if the guy at waitrose was flirting or just being nice to me because i was a customer. i don't know how to respond to flirting. think i responded by turning red and then dropping my coins all over the floor. in some ways i think i am the same as i will ever be. god does that even make sense i am so tired. it is late at night i'm sitting in bed feeling sad downloading sexy rnb music

find myself thinking at least 3 times a day how weird the band name 'dashboard confessional' is, like what does that even mean. so stressful

one afternoon susie and i sat in a park drinking cider and talking about where we wanted to go in the world, what we wanted to do. we watched all the squirrels running around in the park. we felt free, unattached. i love susie. in a way that is just so familial and intimate. i like to be able to have friendships that are more like that. i like inside jokes a lot. think i am secretly funny. not sure. maybe not

constantly have drake lyrics stuck in my head, currently: 'how did a pile of kush become the mountain of truth/how did a bottle of wine become the fountain of youth'. somehow i always read something meaningful into really stupid rap lyrics

hang on a second just want to check my facebook. okay great that was fantastic and useful and life-affirming jk

just heard that it was raining outside. made my tummy do something funny

i don't know what this is, as i am writing i feel as though it will not take form, like i am typing these words into air

i am typing these words into the air and my macbook materializes underneath my fingers

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